I HUNG UP THE SHOWER CURTAIN

There are times when a person gets intentionally inebriated and then there are times when inebriation sneaks up on you like "The King" (Burger King) and delivers you a steamy heap of drunk. It's not pleasing and it's not tasty but then arguably neither is Burger King. SG claims she saw me going downhill and stopped drinking knowing full well that when one starts down that path it's like trying to stop a locomotive with nothing but your hands. I'd just like to think that she didn't have the will to compete in the latest bout of drunk. SG and I have this thing we do when we go out where we try to see which one will drive the other home. Most mature adults will agree before they go out who is driving and who is drinking. We not yet being mature adults and not sure when maturity will hit choose to try to out drink the other.

I like variety and I like to try different things which doesn't work so well when having more than a drink or two. Mix this, mix that have some wine, and have some beer have some hard liquor. By the time I'm done my stomach is so upset and queasy that I vomit for that reason alone. Besides my love of variety I also drink in a very knee jerk fashion. If there is a drink in my hand I tend to drink it in the same way that your body breathes for you without having to think about it. If I had a glass of water that was constantly being filled it would nearly guarantee that 90% of my problems would go away. I guess I could try to bring a Nalgene bottle full of water but I think most bars frown on that since they probably think you are bringing your own hooch in. Oh if they did let me bring my own water I would go out with water bottles clipped to my body like a bandolier. It could be my agualier and I would where a big sombrero and have a lip full of chaw. I have this feeling though that I would either be looked at funny or worse have my water bottles confiscated. Confiscation of my shit makes me grumpy and I really don't need another reason to be grumpy.

The ride home was uneventful except for the occasional drunk breathing huffing noises and the hand resting lightly on the window button like a gunslinger waiting to draw his gun in a showdown. Ahhh yes drunk breathing. Drunk breathing is very similar to the minor tremors and bulges that occur on volcanoes right before they explode. Like these volcanic eruption predictors drunk breathing can be the single most reliable sign that someone is about to go Mount St Helens and that you should best start running to avoid the pyroclastic flows of vomit that will erupt from said person.

By 7:30am all the drama had subsided and the reality had set in. I learned later that I had tried to sleep in our guest (sick persons) bedroom but had trouble sleeping due to being cold and probably because of the dizziness. The attempt to sleep in a bed was followed by the traditional last hu-ah in the bathroom and the collapse on the bathroom floor pants-less and using the pedestal sink as a pillow. Through all of this SG was either showering or reading her book snuggled up in bed. She was nice enough before going to bed to check on me one last time and game me a pair of sweatpants a blanket and a towel wadded up to make a surprisingly nice pillow. A folded up towel might be the single greatest thing that you can do for a drunk person sleeping on the floor. So please if you or someone you love gets hurt by alcohol, have mercy on them and make them a pillow out of a towel it might be the single nicest thing you can do for them.