I think you need to a get a deep down sonic, nano, dynamic tooth cleansing.

Fucking dentists. I'm angry and I really thought that I couldn't get this angry about my dental appointments. How angry I ranted to five different people and then HAD to blog about it. About five months ago I get in the mail a little post card with a blurry picture of my dentist shaking hands with another man with the caption saying "I am retiring, this other man he is taking my practice." I don't usually mention real names in posts for fear that some yahoo might actually figure out who I'm talking about and then track me down and sit in the bushes across the street waiting to take pot shots at me. But like Jason Statham has shown me in "Transporter 2" even the highest and loftiest of rules can be disregarded. For him it was for a tasty Asian baby while for me it was for no other reason than the throbbing of my gums in time with the beating of my heart. The person's name? BANG, you know like bang bang your dead, [BANG!] Emeril Legasse [bang], like you touch my mother fucking gums again and I'm gonna [BANG] you in the head [BANG]. It's a ridiculous name, a Hollywood dentistry name and of course to go along with such a silly name one must have some catch phrase associated with it which Bang does.

"Start school with a [bang]."

[Bang], [bang]... [bang] [bang] [bang]. Ugh. Could have been worse but seriously with a name like that Bang you'd be able to come up with groan worthy catch phrases of the elementary school quality. Bang enters exam room, hands in pockets, spins, pulls out each hand formed in a gun like gesture and says "[Bang] [Bang]. Stop gingivitis dead in it's tracks." I wonder if when Bang goes to the bars Bang makes gun like gestures and clicky noises with his mouth when he's trying to get the attention of a fine woman.

My appointment today was at 11am and dutifully I left early enough from work to get to my appointment on time. Why I did that who knows since my scheduled six month checkup took two hours. Upon arriving I am greeted by the Genghis Khan of the gum pillaging hygenist world. She and I have issues though I have a feeling it isn't just me. Maybe I look like a boyfriend from high school that cheated on her or maybe she takes it as her personal mission to make everyone's gums bleed regardless of how healthy they are. Every time she cleans my teeth I walk out with a smock covered with enough gore to make me look more like an extra in one of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies and with enough blood in my stomach to make Dracula turn blood red with envy. Today was worse because not only did she make me bleed but she did some new gum recession test to see if my gums were at dangerous levels of recessiveness. That required another 30 minutes of her poking around EACH AND EVERYONE of my teeth three times sometimes having to poke more because she would loose her place. I'm not sure if anyone has ever had one of these tests however it seems that part of the test is to poke a persons gums until they wince and then poke them again. I'm guessing that the faster you wince the worse off you are so next time I go in I'm going to drink a fifth of Jack to deaden my sense of pain.

After all of this they were like "Your gums are potentially problematic, we shouldn't be seeing this much bleeding" and I was like just wait till I get my hands on a knife so that I can cut you and then we'll see how well your blood coagulates.

Dentistry should be illegal it's a guilt trip with self induced torture wrapped up in an expensive bill with doubting looks for a bow. I tell them that my mother flosses, brushes her teeth twice a day with a Soniccare, uses a prescription mouth wash still has bleeding gums when she come in for her QUARTERLY cleanings. I try to throw out the idea that this could be genetic. Alas while the the dentist and his inquisitor say that can be the case I can see that in their cold dead dentistry hearts that shines out through their dental glares from the corners of their little dental eyes through their mocking tones that they don't really believe it. I'm positive now that one of the required tests in dental school besides the best torture methods found during the time of the Spanish Inquisition are how to look at someone out of the corner of your eye all the while making that smugy smug doubting glance full of hate sprinkled with a pinch of glee for the love of pain. Visualize the class, I'd imagine it would require hours of looking at oneself in the mirror in order to create the proper face. A face that in a moment can communicate so much doubt, loathing, and snideness. The final test would be that each student has to walk up to a complete stranger on the street make their face and if they reduce that person to a mumbling puddle they pass otherwise a big old F.

The whip cream on top of my pineapple upside down cake of pain was when the dentist said that I would need to come back for three more appointments. The first two appointments would be for some deep sonic nanite gum tooth cleansing that would require them to numb my gums with some sort of local anesthetic and would take two hours per appointment and some two hundred dollars after insurance. A month after the second appointment I'd have to come back for them to check to see if my gums were healing. If that wasn't ENOUGH they said that I would need to switch to a quarterly cleaning regiment for the next couple of years to try to get the plaque and bacteria under control. I've just met this guy and it felt like he/she had come over to my house drank all my whiskey, vomited in my pillow case, shit in my chair and then put his/her head through my T.V. I asked the dentist in a pleading tone, "Can't I TRY to floss more, use mouth wash and then come back in six months. If my gums are still bad we can do your new process to re-allocate money from your account to mine?" The answer? NO, we need to nip this one in the butt, as if he was the head of MI6 and my gums were some sort of "Smert' Shpionam" plot to kill all agents and it had to be stopped. If only he could have said that we needed to assassinate my gingivatis before it killed anymore, or if when I asked him what this process entailed he would said "That's on a need to know basis old chap and you... don't need to know."

So goodbye dentist and goodbye to your crazy cleanings. Maybe I'll have it done in six months when I get another person to tell me that I need it. Until then it will be daily flossing, brushing of one's teeth with special gum stimulating brushes, mouth wash and the drinking of fluffy white baby seal blood. Until then apparently I'm running the risk of all my teeth falling out, heart attacks, stubbed toes and shunning from the village elders.