Test, Read, Nap, Test, Test, Test, Read, Read, Read

TEMPERING THE PENIS IN THE FIRES OF RAGE
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You know that a break down is eminent when you find out that all the code and all the testing you did for days and days was for code that doesn't work the way it should. I've come to the conclusion that I down right suck at making assumptions. If I assume A the reality is always B but I keep making assumptions mainly because if I keep asking people for clarification I start to feel like I am either bothering them or coming across as being particularly stupid. No one likes to feel stupid. It's like a coworker once said about how most people think they aren't stupid which is why most don't ever try to make themselves smarter. He then went on to say that stupid people who know they are stupid are just lazy. I agreed with him with that first part and I agree with him on the second part it's just that I sort of fell into that second group and never got up the desire to get up out of it. So... my break down I think became apparent when instead of trying to walk around my desk to get to my file cabinet I walked over my desk to get to it for my rage knew no going around, it knew no circumventing, it only knew of straight lines much like how a bull only sees the the red cape. I of course found out that my assumption that the peg needed to be square when in fact it needed to be round was the issue which then caused me to take my rage and turn it inwards and attempt to make a hate diamond from my anger coal. So I did what any sane person trying to make hate diamonds would do, I went home.

I'm doing much better today. Yesterday the thought of smashing all the square pegs into round holes with nothing but my dick seemed maddening. Today with a much clearer head I decided to forgo the *Hanzo the Razor dick pounding technique and went instead with the chainsaw to slice off all those irritating angles. My main irritation with all of this is that this isn't the first or the second mis-communication about how something should work or the first time that I was given information about something after the fact. Whatever, this is me bitchy wheel here me meow.

*Back to that Hanzo the Razor because one really needs to explain the whole dick pounding. Well maybe one doesn't but this one does and so I shall. The Wiki description while short and to the point doesn't mention that watching Hanzo the Razor movies has this 70's cop drama/private investigator feel all the while marching around in traditonal samurai clothes, top knots, samurai swords, giant purple sunglasses and afro's. Afros? Japanese guys? Well there was one guy at the beginning. Period based police stories? Sort of. Think of the Hanzo the Razor series as more of a historical fiction where they added little things like Hanzo's ability to have sex with any woman and afterwards they will tell him everything and love him for it. Interrogation via intercourse, not bad Japanese people not bad. There was a point when Hanzo was "interrogating" a woman by doing cunninglingus. It wasn't like they showed him actually going on down on the woman but they did choose to take a more artistic route by basically putting some sort of pink membrane over the camera lens, pointing it up towards some light and then had someone make tongue flicking motions across the lens. Cute. I felt very dirty, so dirty and nearly had to lower the shades to hide my shame. Then it ended Hanzo got his answers and onward he went in his James Bond, Shaft, Spencer for Hire, Samurai strut.

The whole beating one's penis came from a point in the first movie where Hanzo is constantly torturing himself for no other reason than he needs to know the extent of pain that the human body can go through. That way when he is torturing/interrogating men (and no he doesn't "interrogate" men) he will know when people are faking pain and when they are in pain. Among is favorite choices of torture are to lift, yes lift, his penis onto a piece of wood that has a nice cutout made in the shape of a penis. He then hits it as hard as he can with a wooden paddle and after that starts pelvic thrusting into a bag of dry rice. Now that I think about it I'm not sure if that's a form of testing himself with torture or if he is tempering his penis like a blacksmith heats, hammers and cools a piece of steal to make it stronger. Then when Hanzo interrogates there is no oopsy to his "interrogations". That all aside it actually is a decent movie, sure it feels like you are watching a black exploitation movie like "Foxy Brown" or "Shaft" but production values are high (ish) and if you can get past all the weird sexual things it's a lot of fun to watch.


INCHY WORMS
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Last night after my whole pounding square pegs into circular holes with my dick experience I was quietly enjoying an episode of "The Avengers" in my man cave. Man cave? Yes. A place for a man to be a man with his manly and sometimes childish possessions. It doesn't have to be a cave like a basement it can just be a normal room where all of a man's shit that his significant other can't stand goes into and is agreed upon will never leave. Among my prized positions in my man hole besides my broken cameras and 1:1 replica colt peacemaker cap guns is a picture from Tiny Showcase of two gorrillaz. For some reason when SG was really young and visiting the zoo with her parents a Gorilla grabbed her when she got to close to the bars and started screetching and spitting at her all the while cursing her in gorillaeeze. Ever since then she has been terrified of Gorillaz and for that reason the picture of the two Gorillaz sits in my office. (Actually I think her Dad used to freighten her with a Gorilla mask)

So sitting in the man trap enjoying some goofey spy stuff when I hear:

"Why are there black worms on the ceiling in the bathroom."

What's YOUR first thought when you hear the words "black", "worms", "ceiling", AND "bathroom"? Mine are scenes from "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" when Willie (Kate Capshaw) had to walk through that giant bug infested corridor to pull a lever to get Indi and short round out of that room with spikes. Ick.

Actually ick doesn't cut it but I have no idea how to find or even correctly write onomotopeia words in English, shit I didn't even notice that I was using "versus" where I wanted to use "verses" in the last post. Now a language that is chocked full of it's chocolaty goodness of onomotopeia's is Japanese. When I took Japanese I slowly started to realize there was this whole array of onomatopeia words. Maybe that's not so remarkable maybe other languages have them and maybe English has them too but because I'm a native speaker I don't relize it. The interesting thing isn't so much that Japanese has them but that there seem to be so many and that they are used so frequently. Examples? Err well "pera pera" is usually used in a sentence to describe how someone is speaking very fluently or smoothly. Then there's "giri giri" for when you barely complete something or get to something on time. I could go on but then you'd have to speak Japanese and I don't even do that anymore so on with the worms.

Visions of ceiling worms danced through my head before I entered the bathroom. Worms crawling through little holes in the ceiling, some inching, some napping while others standing at some sort of worm attention with their little wormy heads looking around as if scouting for next head to drop on. Where would they have come from? Who knows I've stopped wondering the why and started trying to embrace the "how do I fix this shit" questions.

I got up walked into the bathroom to check out these "black worms" to find out that they look more like fat eyelashes and instead of a drippy ceiling of worminess there was two. In the morning I remember SG saying something like I need to go into the bathroom but I don't want to be in there with the worms. Little tiny harmless worms, Jeez. SG will of course be the first person to proclaim to everyone that I don't like bugs either. To back that up she almost always has to tell the story about me shrieking over a little green bug on my jacket while sitting in her car on the way to high school. Shriek.. as if. That last bit was a perfect example of the potentially negative aspects of being a "high school sweetheart".

Is high school one word or two.

Alright, so why is it when you tell people that you have been together since high school and they almost always make that cooing "ahh" sound which is a "all isn't that wonderful", "darling", "sweet", "adorable", wrapped up in one exhalation. We always tell people that it's because we were lazy and they laugh and then we look them in the eye and say it again and it starts to dawn on them. So yes the only real issue with dating someone for nearly a decade is a giza pyramid of dirt that one could potentially have on the other but thankfully there will always be first corinthians to set us along the right path when that desire cometh and the bell ringeth and all of that gong stuff too.

ONWARDS TO GLORY AND RANDOMNESS THROUGH READING
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Today I was doing a little reading via the interweb in an attempt to avoid doing testing which really amounted to nothing more than me reading Slate and getting caught back up on my anger management sessions by reading some old posts on THL blog.
A little nugget that was lodged into one of THL rants about VH-1's top hottest guys was a link about CEO Joe Francis founder of Mantra and maker of the fine video products "Girls Gone Wild". Beware monkey cats the article is long and it will require some concentration to get through it. If you don't want to read the article let me sum up one of the more humorous things it mentioned about Joey. In 2004 some guy broke into Joe Francis's house and made him at gun point sodomize himself with a dildo in front of a camera. The assailant then tried to blackmail Joey with the video tape but sadly was caught by the Police with the help of a "hot" tip provided by no other than Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton and hot tips, can't you just see her kicking down doors and screetching tires as she tears around LA looking for the Joey F.'s blackmailer in true private investigator fashion? No? Err well I can't either but I still find it humorous.

I can't remember if I have raved about the webzine Slate but if I haven't let me just say that if you like humor and news and aren't easily offended it's a great site to read. I like how Slate has articles that are all over the place from current world events, politics, and business to articles about Jay-Z and what champaign he should switch too. If Hip-hop and champaign isn't your style then there's always an photo article on the history of the bikini, or examples of how famous composer Johannes Brahms was a wise ass much like Hugh Laurie's character House. Then there's an article about how some companies are making box wine that isn't terrible. Prepare thyself box wine haters. Truthfully I was never a box wine person probably because most of what comes in a box is that hyper sugary white zinfandel that no one but underage girls, middle aged mothers and a friend of mine Lobster consumes. My favorite in college was always the Carlos Rossi jugs of Burgandy, two glasses and you were swearing like a sailor and vomiting like Adam Savage.

Of all the articles I've read so far though one of my favorites has to be one about a guy who went to India a second time to see if he really did hate it the first time. I found it to be a great article not because I hate India but because he dosesn't attempt to gloss over the aspects of India that make my mid-western, bug phobic, dirt phobic, WTF phobic personality cringe. I still want to go to India don't get me wrong and I have no illusions that it will the be one of those sipping Corona's on a white sandy beach vacations. NOTE: Before any link clicking begins realize the article is a five part deal where you can get to the next part by clicking the numbers in the little boxes at the top of the article.

Did I read all of that in a day? Well no I lied most of the Slate articles I have read over the last couple of weeks but was just to lazy to mention them. Read up bitches taste the interwebs liquid knowlege.