The tortoise victim and the nut job hare.

You know in those horror movies where there is always some masked psychotic killer on the loose. There is almost always that quintessential scene where he is chasing someone through some remote location where the victim is running as fast as their two little rabbit legs will carry them, hair streaming in the wind voice shrieking in the most blood curdling of ways. Meanwhile back in happy serial killer land our zombie/clown/hockey faced/skin masked chainsaw wielding killer is shuffling his way along with not a care in the world. Eventually our victim gets to a point where they think they are ok when [BOOM] out of nowhere our killer appears again and kills the poor voluptuous victim thereby removing one more big boobed baby from the gene pool. That's ok, if our killer didn't kill the victim I'm sure they would have grown up to have many puppies car pooling them from one beigeburbian home to another in their urban assault SUV vehicle. So really our serial killer is really doing us some good, a blessing in the disguise of an ax wielding nut job.

I've always wondered why our vivacious voluptuous vigarious beauty of feminine grace at the height of their athletic prowess is completely unable to get away from the killer. Are serial killers made of denser things than normal people and in being so much more dense do they exhibit a gravitational pull on their victims? I'm not a big horror movie fan actually I can't stand them mainly because they are like birch bark or dryer lint to my already over active fire of an imagination. The imagination that will believe that almost any terrible thing that goes bump in the night actually exists once the sun sets and the devil and all of his horde come out. There was this one time when I was younger when I went and saw a 3-D horror movie that in turn freaked me out and pissed my mom off for the next two weeks. What can I say.

Up until a few nights ago I would have though that the concept that an older less in shape serial killer would be able to catch up to it's faster prey as being silly. Sure I know about the story of the tortoise versus the hare but that's a childs story my friend. This all changed when making dinner one night I hear a scratching scurrying sound as our fat cat came fly down the stairs, skittered with all four feet moving in a scooby doo like fashion for a moment before continuing it's mad dash into our dining room all the while hissing and spitting like a cobra on caffeine withdraw. It was so fast that all I saw was a blur of beige and grey first and the sounds of the hissing and spitting and growling following her like a sonic boom. WTF, cats are cats. About 5 seconds later down comes the little cat, prancing in a very self satisfied way, tail up raised in a periscope like fashion and a big toothy Cheshire cat grin on her face. All of a sudden I saw the horror movie scene before my eyes and realized that indeed it was possible for a victim to be tearing head long out of control looking for nothing but safety and have the killer slowly plodding along. It happened right in front of my eyes, a reenactment of a horror movie right before my eyes done with cats.

I figure it has to have something to do with the concept of how people can get lost in dense woods. People when lost in a dense forest like environment have a tendency to walk in circles. Seriously I totally heard this on the Discovery channels "I shouldn't be alive series". The explanation, which SG in all of our science MUMBO JUMBO claims is bunk is that depending on which leg you favor your gait tends be shorter on one side of your body which then leads you to walk in a circle. You know when you write that down it really does seem silly, I'm standing by it though because in this country standing by your potentially stupid opinions and beliefs wins you the admiration of others as you are sticking to your guns and holding your ground. So my solution to you potential future victims of the world if you find yourself being chased by a crazed killer with a mask made of [fill in the blank] keep your eyes forward and find the furthest thing in the distance and run to it and when you get to that thing find another thing further ahead. Each time you reach whatever thing you are walking towards be sure to look behind you to make note of your previous navigation point and of course make note if said nut job is still there. By doing this you will if nothing else avoid getting lost and potentially running into your killer and scaring the shit and potentially the rest of yourself out.

On a blog note it seems that SG has found another gem of a blog that goes by the name of Mimi Smartypants. I have no idea where SG finds these things maybe she is tuned to frequency of blog. If anyone got that reference to the long ago canceled T.V. show "Night Man" then I feel for you as I'm sure you too have been through quite a lot having seen just one second of that show. I am thoroughly enjoying the reading this new blog and it may in some way have something to do with the fact that she reminds me of SG. Granted that is if SG drank like I did and actually wanted kids. Anyway this woman is funny and I find her strangely easy to relate too, so no guarantees if you like it either. Bon Appetite.