Plumbers, Toilets, Roller Coasters oh MY!

WHAT'S THAT HOUSE? YOU WANT SOMETHING?
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Tuesday I took a few hours off work because apparently I was a little over due for some house fuckery, which in this case equates to the plumber coming over. I've been noticing over the last six months or so that some mold has been growing underneath the paint on a baseboard that shares the wall that our fantastically old shower plumbing is on. When we bought the house we both felt that it was really cool in a quaint sort of.. you know quaint way. I'm starting to get the idea that when I think that "quaint" should trigger warning bells in my head which should in turn trigger a fast and speedy retreat from said quaint thing. Quaint is only nice when it isn't actually you who owns or maintains said quaint thing. Oh and nothing is truly quaint about antique plumbing. In the past my father-in-law had come over and helped me take out the hot and cold stems for the shower.

HOME OWNER JIBBA JABBA
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Stem - A stem is a piece of metal that connects the shower handle on one side to your plumbing on the other side. I think it acts as a valve or something I'm not all that sure but what I do know is that they have washers in them that in the past we replaced.
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Along with this mildew baseboard I also noticed that I could apply pressure to this baseboard and the wood would give in a spongy like fashion. I'm not handyman but I was pretty sure that that wasn't a good sign. Then there was the fact that the tub spigot was leaking, a little bit of the paint along the shower tile was pealing and a little area in the dining room ceiling was peeling in a manner that spoke of moisture more than house settling. Let me shake the magic eight ball of home improvement... Yup all signs to bend over. SG fed up with all my complaints, worries, poking's, proddings and grumbles found a plumber on Angie's List and a day later we had an appointment setup for Tuesday.

Tuesday came and around 8:30am in comes the plumber to save me from myself and my house. SG choose this plumber in particular because he is from our area, works on smaller jobs, and has experience working on older plumbing systems. Apparently if you want a plumber to say work on your leaky spigot you can't just call any plumber because not all plumbers will actually do tiny jobs. Some only do hot water heaters while others, ok well that was all I had to say about that. I explained to him what I'd done in the past at which point he told me that he wouldn't be doing anything different and at that left it open for me to say that I'd just take care of it. I, having no intention of taking care of anything with our quaint little shower told him that since he was here and since I was sure to catch hell by waffling and telling him to go home suggested that he just replace all washers for all four shower stems. One hot and one cold came off just fine as did the the cold for the tub however the hot water for the tub got a "Sir, could you please come in here for a second, I think we have a problem."

Shit. There are many things in life that a homeowner doesn't want to hear when having someone work on their house and I'm pretty sure that hearing "Sir could you please come and look at this" from a plumber isn't one of them. I can't describe what was actually broken because it was at the end of the cup and I'll start saying things like washer, cup, lip, penis-thingy, broken and none of those terms would be correct. Besides a picture is worth a thousand words especially when they aren't my one thousand words.

BEFORE:



AFTER:


Thank God that wasn't me taking the shower apart because I'm sure there isn't enough time in a week for me to swear about it. Swear? Yes see once you take apart your plumbing your only solution is to put it back together and when you find that it's potentially broken your only solution is to call a plumber and stay dirty for a few days. BTW Plumber was excellent he got the after picture of the stem fixed in two and a half hours and decided to knock off a half hour of the job in the bill because he didn't feel like it should have taken that long. Fantastic I say, the last time I ever had that happen in a service related industry was in Japan where we were taking a taxi back from the train station. Before we got in we asked the taxi driver how much it would cost to get to the University satisfied with his estimate we got in. As we got close to the University the fare started to go over his estimate and instead of letting the meter run he just turned it off.


COTTON CANDY FOR $.25
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Cedar Point was by far one the single greatest amusement park experiences in my lifetime. I think may never go again for fear that my next visit will pale in comparison and make me a sad and broken man with a shriveled up heart grumbling to myself about better times. It was the single greatest amusement park experience for many reasons however because I so dearly love lists, and bins for bins, and bins with drawers, and files within files, boxes within file cabinets I will break it down list style.


1.) Cheap - The whole weekend counting food only ran SG and I about $40. That's $40 for two people admission on Friday evening and all day on Saturday. This also included paying for the privelege to loose my car* in Cedar Points lot, a night in a mosquito infested state park, lunch on Saturday, food to Cedar Point and food coming back to Columbus. Err this didn't count gas.

* So the last time we were at Cedar Point for a friend of mine's surprise birthday party we didn't pay attention to where we parked the car. It just didn't seem important at the time, duh. So when we came back out at around 3pm or so we started trying to figure out where we parked. Try it sometime, park your car at an amusement park, blindfold yourself, spin around and attempt to walk to the gate without getting hit. Or you could always just not pay attention to where you are parking and it's about the same feeling. There was a point in the process after SG and I spread up to cover more ground when I had nearly given up finding my car and SG. I kind of felt like Mel Gibson might have when he was kicked out of Barter Town sitting on the back of a mule with a big goofy mask on his head and no water. Best yet was that no matter how loud I yelled for SG I didn't get a response. Long story short we found each other only because she stood on top of my car's roof and started yelling for me.

2.) Weather - The weather was marvelous I'm talking nothing hotter than 83 degrees, bright blue skies with a gentle breeze blowing off the lake and not a rain cloud in sight. I've been to Cedar Point in June and July when the lines are 3 hours long, the air is fetid, and you stand in line with 300 other complete strangers with sweat dripping into all the nooks and crannies of your body waiting for the next rotation of the giant misting fans to come back tease you with it's cool breath.

3.) The Lines - I shit you not we didn't have a line over 30 minutes long. 30 minutes. In a place where in peak season lines for major rides like "Raptor", "Mantis", "Millennium Force", and "Magnum" are anywhere from two to three hours. Thirty minute lines feel like you just shot your neighbor in the testicles with a high powered air-soft rifle in broad day light at point blank range. When I say thirty minutes I'm not saying thirty minutes was the norm for each ride more like the longest we ever had to wait. Most of the time we had to wait between five and ten minutes to ride anything.

1.. 2.. 3.. I'm sure there was another point.

4.) Length of stay - This was the first time that I (as mentioned before) ever went to Cedar Point two days in a row and remember it. Give the goldfish brain sometime. Normally when going to Cedar Point I attempt to get up early so that I can make the two and a half hour drive and get there when the park opens at 10:30. Of course to do that means that by 5 or 6pm I'm exhausted with another two and a half hour drive back home.

5.) No sunburn - Oh right because the lines were so short was never just standing out in the sun for hours at a time hearing my pasty white skin crackle off my bones like crispy fried pseudo chicken at KFC.

1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. actually five was just me extending my list to five I really have nothing else. Take my advice on this one though don't bother going until after Labor Day weekend. The only caveat I'll throw out there for you is that you need to double check the calendar on their website as after Labor Day weekend not all the rides are open when the park is open. As the season continues into fall fewer and fewer roller coasters are open.

The only minor negative point on the whole deal was that while riding Mantis on Friday night the damn thing broke down right after we finished riding it. We then spent the next thirty minutes sitting on the track right over one of their many mosquito infested ponds. It was the only time that has ever or will ever happen that SG was actually happy that the guy next to us started smoking as it seemed to have gave us a rest from the bugs. Once they got us off for some reason they took our names and zip codes and then led us over to Millennium Force and got us right on the next train which actually allowed us to miss the longest line of the night.


Ride rode? We rode Gemini 4x, Millennium Force 1x, Magnum 4x, Mean Streak 1x, Raptor 3x, Mantis 1x, Iron Dragon 1x, Wildcat 1x, Mine Ride 1x, Power Tower 1x, Demon Drop 1x, Wicked Twister 1x, Blue Streak 3x, Max Air 3x, Skyhawk 1x and all the carnival-esque rides that they have in the park.


UNMENTIONABLE PORCELAIN DISPOSABLE DEVICE
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SG woke me up one morning a few weeks ago by poking me to tell me that I had indeed clogged the toilet and that she had not noticed before using toilet and that I was supposed to unclog it. I'm sort of a habitual toilet clogger while SG and most woman out there have never ever clogged a toilet in their lives. I like to think of my ability as being a family sort of thing, my brother does it, I do it and though I'm not really so sure about my Dad he must do it. The greatest thing about this whole toilet clogging experience is that SG wanted, no, required that I unclog the toilet filled with unmentionable things. I realize of course that I should have done a courtesy flush, I do (honestly) almost always do after I use the unmentionable porcelain disposable device. Yes. Unmentionable porcelain disposable device, I find that much more appealing than toilet. From this day forth I will call a toilet as an unmentionable porcelain disposable device, a term has been born and like Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Traveler manager of databases I stick with new naming conventions until I get tired of said convention. For some reason I find it terribly funny that someone doesn't know how to plunge a unmentionable porcelain disposable device or is afraid of plunging an unmentionable porcelain disposable device.

Afraid?

Well see there was this one time (sorry SG), actually we will call it the genesis of the fear of clogged toilets where the beast reared it's ugly head for the first time. Oh dear the puns, the puns. The toilet was used by someone who will remain nameless in this sentence and then this someone not used to the hidden dangers of a sleeper cell of clogging glory put the lid down of the unmentionable porcelain disposable device and went about their nightly bed time rituals. Like Mt Saint Helens before it blew it's top off the unmentionable disposable porcelain device's water level rose to near critical levels. SUDDENLY! it over flows spilling nasty poo water all over the floor and into the floor register. Ick. Seriously this did happen however thankfully there wasn't anything identifiable that came out of the unmentionable porcelain disposable device. The person in question is now forever afraid of clogged toilets and I imagine will be for the rest of their lives.

So back to this thing this other morning, I'm laying in bed trying to explain to SG how one is supposed to plunge a unmentionable porcelain disposable device. Take heed non-cloggers for here comes advice learned from a master of clogging. There are two cases that one needs to be aware of when declogging the unmentionable porcelain disposable device.

1.) High water level.

2.) Low water level.

Number one is easy you simply plunge until unmentionable porcelain disposable device has been rid of it's clog. Number two is a little harder and always runs the chance that you may be mopping the floor. When the water level is low you have no choice but to flush the unmentionable porcelain disposable being sure that the plunger is already in hand ready to strike if indeed the terrorist sleeper cell clog is ready to strike. As the water level rises nearing the lip of the toilet and it appears that the clog will not budge take your mighty plunger and plunge as if your very life depended upon it, plunge like a piston seen in one of those Castrol motor oil commercials. It may be scary, but believe me it'll work because nothing motivates someone more than the thought of poo water flowing over their floor.

Imogen Heap me to my bed.

INSOMNIA, LITTLE HOUSE CHORES DANCING IN MY HEAD
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Weeeeeeeeeeeeell shit bloglles long time no see. I've been thinking about you blog I even started two or three posts but between work and house and my complete inability to sleep and the nagging feeling that I am somehow wasting my life I have been completely unable to finish a post. For the last two or three weeks I think that the average time that I have gone to bed is somewhere around 2am and when one has a 9-5ish, or in my case nearly 10-7, it makes for a rough morning. Every morning for the last three weeks I wake up around 8am struggle with the concept of getting up and then go right back to sleep continuing this process until a little after 9am when I finally get up shower and attempt to get to work by 9:30am. If it wasn't for the fact that I could probably throw a baseball and hit work I would probably have been fired for my inability to show up at a normal time. SG get's so pissed when I can't get up in the morning or when I can't fall asleep at night, well pissed isn't the right term but she gets irritated and for SG irritated might as well be pissed. I wish I could say that my mind is pondering some deep life question but really all I keep thinking about is about all the house work that I need to get done and how I neither have the time nor the money to get it done NOW! Like what you ask? How about finishing my breakfast nook, sanding, priming and re-painting my kitchen, refinishing three exterior doors one of which I did previously and poorly, finish the back fence, build a low stone wall next to the drive way, sand, paint and re-prime some exterior trim, re-plant grass, WHEEEEEZ. Oh and I think I'm going to see about getting a motrocycle license. Why? Gas is expensive and motorcycles are cool. Soon I'll be getting a tatoo of a heart on my shoulder and SG in binary across it. 1010101010101.


MR. DAD
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Ugh. Tuesday I called in sick mainly because I couldn't fall asleep and partly because I didn't want to go in. Instead I did all the things that a stay at home parent does except that I didn't cook dinner so they one upped me there. I lightly sanded the first coat of primer on the drawer fronts and cabinet doors and then applied another coat of primer on everything. Let's see I vacuumed the entire house with the help of Roomba, cleaned the bathroom, did two loads of laundry, bought the cat some of her "I'm a giant lard ass expensive cat food", went to Target, went to the grocery store, helped make dinner, and finished off my day ironing shirts. I'll say this much hat's off to you stay at home parents the jobs you do are much harder and 1,000,001 times more thankless than any job I can think off. I almost wanted to go back to work just so that I could sit in my chair for eight hours and do nothing more than type the occassional word on my screen, sip my coffee and try to stay awake as they slowly lower the temperature a degree every fifteen minutes.

My day of drudgery was made all that much worse because I HATE going to the grocery store as it doesn't matter which grocery store I go to I get 90% of the things I need in the first 10% of the time I'm there and then spend the next 90% of my time looking for the last 10%. Ask SG, I'm worthless I called her 5 times on Tuesday to tell her that I couldn't find something as if she could somehow log into the grocery store and determine where the item was I needed. That would be a thought though if grocery stores had terminals where you could type in a search to determine what isle an item instead of wondering around aimlessly hoping that sardines actually are with the fish instead of hidden behind a box of manwich.

What makes this whole thing that much more pathetic is that the grocery store I go to is more the size of a local neighborhood grocery store with no more than 8 isles of food. Part of the problem is that the grocery store is reorganizing their stock due to the fact that they now sell hard liquor so even if I had the slightest idea where something like say dried mushrooms were I really have no idea now. I did finally break down and ask someone after the third call to SG and felt vindicated when it took him 15 minutes to finally find them on the end of an isle on the top shelf in three tiny little whicker baskets. Dried mushrooms, who uses those anyway? Apparently I do when making a mushroom broth to go into SG's tomato and goat cheese soup. Listen close though if you ever want to do this yourself, take the mushrooms and put them in a bowl then pour steaming hot water and let them steep with a plate over the bowl for about 20 minutes. Then take a strainer and put a coffee filter into it and then pour the mushroom broth and mushrooms into it so as to filter any dirt that was among the mushrooms. I have NO IDEA if it was necessary but SG told me to do it so I did, effing leeming.

On a side and sort of intersting note did you ever wonder where that whole rock star peace sign done flipped came from? You know index finger and middle finger making a piece sign however instead of having your palm faced out from you it's facing in towards your body. Well so sayeth Globe Trekker it was back during the Hundred Years Wars when Britain and England were squabbling over territory and the rights to rule each others kingdoms. When the French would capture English archers they would cut off their index and middle fingers as those were used to fire an arrow. So when the English were taunting the English in battle they would hold up those two fingers as if to say "eat it we still have are fingers cock suckers", or some such. The whole Hundred Years Wars is actually really interesting if you choose to read up about it as apparently warefare went from chivalry and knights and what not to a muskets, cannons and a ends justify the means sort of mentality.

Cedar Me Point AR
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SG and I are off to Cedar Point today (Friday) to do a little evening roller coaster riding until they close followed by a over night at a state campground followed by another full day of coaster riding. I'm probably more excited about this than I should be mainly as I've never actually been to Cedar Point till they closed that I remember and I've never been there multiple days and especially for only $10 a hit. $10, yup that's not Pesos or Lira either. Olaf was kind enough to purchase a couple more free passes from a coworker at his job that were given out if you couldn't make it to his companies Cedar Point event. I was telling my Dad about my excitement about being at Cedar Point till they close on Friday and then all day again on Saturday and how I have never done this before. Apparently I do have the memory of a goldfish because my family did do it once one weekend many a year ago when we stayed at a friends condominium. I remember none of the Cedar Point trip though I do remember being very bored sitting next to a really brown lake wishing I was anywhere else. So the next time you have kids and are thinking about doing a real nice family vacation to an exotic locale remember this when I tell you that your children won't remember. You're just wasting your money, they don't care, they won't appreciate it and they won't remember it and all you'll get in the end are grumpy children and money wasted.

Seriously something that would have been highly memorable but I don't remember was that my brother was so ill that he couldn't walk more than 20 feet before he had to chuck into a trash can. That's the stuff of family legends talked about over dinner at Thanksgiving and I somehow don't even remmber it. Then again when he was younger a car ride anywhere with pot holes after a meal was taking the puking fate into your own hands.