A Hans Christian Anderson Bachelor Party

I have been initiated in another one of life's little mysteries, what a Christian bachelor party is like. Don't get me wrong I have nothing against good wholesome clean fun, I prefer it in a way, and no it isn't because I'm a prude, well maybe. I'd be really curious to find out why some men enjoy strip clubs while others don't care or down right hate them. My theory on this used to be that people that grew up in the country or were a little more (ahem) "simple" liked strip clubs. I have to admit this was in part because I am neither from the country nor do I think myself stupid, and I'm kind of a snob and assume people from the country aren't as smart. This BTW is a completely wrong belief, I realize it and I'm trying to overcome my snobbery.

My theory hasn't really held up all that well though, I know people that grew up in cities and suburbs and quite enjoy a visit to the strip club, though now that I think about it I've not met or talked to someone from the country that does not like strip clubs, so maybe my country theory may hold out. As far as inteligence goes, I don't think that holds water either, it seems being stupid or smart has no effect on whether or not you want to see some tities. So I'm not really sure where that leaves me, and I'm not sure if it's nature or nurture though I'd lean more towards nurture. I'd also say that it's probably more your friends then your parents that determine whether or not you enjoy going to strip clubs..... wait a second this has nothing to do with what I was talking about.

As I said there were no strippers, no sex, no drugs and no one to really talk too. I mean you can only talk and answer the question "What have you been up too?" so much before there is nothing else to say, especially when the first time you are asked your response is "Nothing much". I know, I know I'm retarded when it comes to small talk, I know it's supposed to be small talk but I don't see the point in wasting time on it with people that don't really care anyway. Wow did I say that? I'm kind of an ass. Actually it's just that I don't have too much in common with them, I'm not involved with a church and I don't have kids and really for these guys that's the sphere of interests that they have.

The bachelor party consisted of paintball in the afternoon followed by booze, cards, pool, foosball and eating at one of the guys families house at Apple Valley. I call it a house but when it has about 3000 sq/ft of space, six bedrooms, three full baths, a boat house, two T.V.'s enough room in the basement for foosball and a full size pool table, house doesn't really cover it. The paintball that we did up at Splatterpark was quite a bit of fun compared to what I thought it was going to be. I assumed that half the people there were going to have their own guns which meant that I was going to get pelted with guns that shoot six paint balls a second with an un-arching accuracy more like a real gun then the muskets they rent you. I also assumed that the cold and snow on the ground were going to freeze me into a human popscicle target. Really it was none of those things, almost everyone was renting, the cold wasn't that bad and the snow actually made it really easy to dive around. Diving BTW is one of my more favorite tactics in paintball, John Woo baby!

The best and worst part about paintball was a game we played called "Civil War". There is nothing quite like taking forty people, splitting them up into two teams. Then have each time line up shoulder to shoulder and then have each team take turns firing one shot per person at the other team until one team has no players left. The catch here is that unlike normal paintball rules where a hit anywhere (even on your gun) constitutes a kill you had to hit someone in the head or torso to "kill" them. A hit in the arm meant that you could no longer use that arm, a hit on the leg meant that you had to go down on your knees, and a hit on your gun meant that you could not use it to shoot when it was your turn. On top of this due to the cold and all the clothes people wear when it's cold the paintballs tended to not break the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh (you get the picture) time they hit which meant that you might get hit a dozen times before you were killed. You may be thinking "Well if you are wearing a bunch of clothes it can't possibly hurt", you'd be wrong thinking that though. Imagine standing 30-40 feet apart firing guns with medium sized gum ball ammo at 285 ft/sec and suddenly you realize what you are up against. It seems silly talking about it but even thought it was just paintballs I still found it really terrible waiting for the shot to come.

After paintball there was card games to be played, Jack Daniels to be drunk, pizza to be eaten, pool to be played and foosball to be foos'd (Foos'd damn straight). I'm not a noob to poker so I suppose I should have realized the alure of Texas Holdem but Saturday night really made me realize something. Texas Holdem in a way is about the most pure poker game you can play, it's the essence of poker. Unlike normal five or seven card stud there are never any wilds and someone folding never affects the cards that you will get.

Let me explain this further, in five card stud you get dealt five cards, each person gets dealt five cards but they are dealt one at a time with a round of betting after each card is dealt. If a person decides to fold, that has an affect on the odds of you getting or not getting the card you need. In Texas Holdem each player is dealt two cards, then they need to make a decision on those two cards whether or not they are going to match the opening bet or if they are going to fold. From that point on no more cards are dealt to individual players, instead the rest of the five cards are communal and so anyone folding has no affect on the odds of a card appearing. Next the betting system in Texas Holdem really lends itself to making people think about whether or not they should be in. This is because you can't just bet the smallest currency (five cents if you are playing nickel, dime, quarter) you have, you have to bet at least the maximum bet determined by the big blind. On top of that every so often the small and big blinds increase which means that someone who never bets will eventually run out of money if they never play/win, which is nice because it keeps the game from becoming stagnant. Last but not least there are no wilds, I don't know how many times I've been playing a game where there were 4-8 wilds and I hit a natural full house and realized that I might as well fold because the only thing that was going to win was a high four of a kind (or a five of a kind of you are so unlikely as to play in a house that accepts that) and really that just stinks.

All and all it was a pretty a-ok time, I actually won one of the games of Texas Holdem, was forced into playing a game called "Tonk" (never again), had a fine cigar, played some pool and enjoyed myself quite a bit. Just remember if someone ever asks you to play a tournament of "Tonk" cross yourself and walk away being sure not to turn your back on them.