This is the shit that Juan Valdez pisses.

I know I have mentioned this that the coffee they give us at Sprockettes is the thing of nightmares. It looks more like they pulled it directly from Lake Erie, at least if they got it from Lake Erie I might have a small chance to get some sort of nourishment or chemical or something that would wake me up. As it is I feel that I would be much better off if I could chase down Juan Valdez's donkey while following it with a cup just praying that I can catch some of it's glorious golden caffeinated stream. I'm not into that stuff, you know golden stream, I'm just saying Juan Valdez's donkey's piss may have more caffeine and flavor in it than this coffee. Let's try to get beyond this coffee.... I don't think I can, especially since I forgot my danty little green coffee cup of wonder at home. MWAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAA I nearly turned around and went home to get it. It needed a good scrubbing from the ye ol' dishwasher because apparently if you run boiling water through a dirty filthy coffee mug it doesn't get clean. I started cleaning my kick ass green mean modern styled coffee mug that holds a half a cup of coffee with a damp paper towel and after the fourth one on Friday I realized that maybe this was a job for modern machinery. I choose to let my mug of modern greatness get this dirty because I'm hopping that the concentrated left over drippings will somehow help to enhance my next cup. It hasn't yet but I'm still holding on to the hope that it might.

This weekend saw the epiku dorama (epic drama) that shall be known as the HIGH OUTPUT FLUORESCENT COMMERCIAL LIGHT ASSEMBLY, TANTRUM, ASSEMBLY AGAIN, AND FINALLY HANGING OF SAID LIGHT. I can feel it, yes I can feel the marketability of this story. It involves one man, his tantrum, two high output fluorescent lights that weigh no less than fifty lbs, a car in which he slept in and no less than six hardware stores he went too. Last year we had our old garage knocked down and had a new one built and with the suggestion of mi padres I had the electrician put an outlet on the ceiling so that I could put a set of fluorescent lights up there instead of a a single crappy 60W bulb. At the time my Dad made a point to tell me that when I bought these fluorescence that I should buy something called high output fluorescence because beyond being 4X heavier than the cheapo's and 5X more they would light when it got cold out. Something about fluorescence not normally providing that great of a quality of light below 50 degrees F, bla bla bla bla. Well the first time I went to find these lights, I bought the wrong ones. Fuckity FUCK FUCK FUCK I hate going back and returning things, specially if it is my nth time to the hardware store. So I decide to keep the el numero uno cheapo fluorescence I bought on the first trip and went to find the high output variety. I found them only to be shocked by the price $40 for one light while the numero uno cheapo ones run you something like $25 for two. Throwing my doubts aside and trusting in he who is Padre I buy these lights only to get them home and realize that for $40 a light you have to assemble these fuckers. On top of that they don't come with all the amenities and frills that the cheaper ones came with. Things like a little packet of directions, chains to hang them, S-hooks, OH AND OH some little NOT SO IMPORTANT THING CALLED A CORD! Jeez. $40 a pop and I don't even get a cord, I have to go buy one and put it on myself.

SCREEEEEEEEEEW THAT

So I put them on the shelf last year fully expecting to have to use them when the temperature plummeted but one of the silver linings of global warming is that it doesn't get that cold in Ohio anymore so my el numero uno cheapo lights worked pretty well this winter. GREAT. So now I have $80 of commercial grade high output fluorescent lights sitting in my garage that I can now no longer return because places don't have return policies that let you return something that you've had for nearly a year. This weekend I decided that I was going to wire these suckers up and finally hang them.... I mean I paid for them why not use them.

Saturday I head over to the local Ace hardware to look for some electrical cords that I can wire up to my lights. I get there but find that I am overwhelmed by the choices. This one says that it is good up to 7 amps, this one 10 amps and this one 13 amps. This one's a replacement cord for appliances, that one for power tools.... this one's for ... toasters? Yes toasters. SHIT. SHIT SHIT SHIT. Amps, toasters, power tools, coffee makers, what's an AMP? What happens if I buy the wrong cord? My lights say that they are 120V but these cords are rated at 125V so what happens if I buy one of these cords wire up the lights and they burn down my garage. SHIT SHIT SHIT shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Completely demoralized like the French must have been after the Nazi's rolled into France in WWII I head home with a nasty tantrum a brewing. I get home throw this tantrum which drove SG away, she hates tantrums she should especially coming from grown men. What I wanted was help, it was unreasonable of me to ask her for it, she knows as much about wiring things as I do but I wanted help nonetheless, and my Mt. Vesuvius like explosion was .. not very .. nice. When you are really pissed off that you bought these overly expensive really heavy fluorescent lights mentioning to said unhappy person that you suggested to them that they should've returned them a year ago is rarely helpful. UGH I hate to waste money. I fret over impulse $8 CD purchases. Tantrum thrown I spent the rest of the day curled up in various places around the house asleep. SG finally found me asleep in the back of my car and told me that her Dad was willing to show me how to do one tomorrow. Crisis was sort of avoided dinner was had.

I haul these lights over to my father-in-law's place, we look at them then go to the second hardware store of the weekend buy two cords, some chains, S-hooks and return back to wire one of these lights up. As it turns out wiring one of these things is so easy it is embarrassing...... We'll just leave it at that. Next up now that I have one of these lights wired and know how to do it, I need to get some bulbs. So I go over to Lowes looking for a T-12 48" long high output fluorescent bulb. You know when you go into a hardware store like Lowe's or Home Depot and they have a whole row of light bulbs. You walk to the section you need, pick out your bulb and you leave. Well the problem with high output bulbs is that it isn't like your daddy's ol' fluorescent light, the ends of the light aren't those two little prongs on either side. Nooooooooooooooooo the contacts for high outputs are oval shaped. At Lowe's all I could find was 96" long high outputs at Home Depot after 20 minutes of wander around checking and re-checking I finally break down and ask someone about them. I say break down because I nearly did break down.... perspiration ran down my back, the isles started curving over me trying as if they were attempting to crush me, eyes darting back and forth, lungs began to hyper ventilate I skulked over to an employee. What am I rewarded for my trouble? They don't sell them.

CRAP.


I hates the large hardware stores.

I head home with my impulse closetmaid purchases for my nearly perfect garage shelving system to face the fact that I may have to order these suckers online or just give them away. Crap, CRAP CRAP. I didn't spend $80, countless hours, a tantrum runs to five different hardware stores just to find out that I can't find bulbs. To bolster my nearly deflated ego I put up my little lovely additions to my already nearly perfect shelving system. PEEEEEEEEERFECT. Only to find that this little basket thingy that is supposed to hang from below a shelf needs a space of at least 21" and my shelving is more like 12" between each bracket. FUCK, remember what I said about my hate to return things to the hardware store. I go back to a different Lowe's that is closer to my house to return this basket. At the return counter I am greeted by a congested spacey looking Lowe's employee who looks like she can barely stand little less see in her heightened allergy/flu infested state. I break into this great long schpiel about how I bought this basket but I didn't realize that it wouldn't work because I don't have enough space between my brackets to use it. Employee looks back at me. I say "I need to return this." Light in employee's head goes off, return starts. Return done I decide to give this bulb thing one more go, maybe the 600th time will be the charm. I first go over to the lighting section to see if they even sell high output fluorescent lights, turns out they do AND that they have the brand that I bought last year. Better yet they have the ones that are currently sitting in my garage. Now you have to be thinking the correct assumption is that if someone sells a 48" high output light that they would sell the bulb for it too. Otherwise that would be........ well I guess it would be typical. I go back to the light bulb isle and read very very carefully with the care of a careful person each and every label on the shelves looking for me White Whale of light bulbs. Arrr I know she be out thar Moby bulb I be gettin ya yet. I get to the last label in the fluorescent bulb section to see "T-12 High Output 48" fluorescent". "T-12 High Output 48" fluorescent". Sweet Jesus on a stick, I grab 4 and bolt for the door get home plug them into the already assembled light and thankfully it lit up. So I put together the other one quickity quick, add the bulbs and it too works, a freakin miracle in the eyes of all gods, seven hells, buddha, confucious, jimmy cricket, and bugs bunny.

I went to dinner after that.