Introspective......

Do I have a right to be introspective on my own blog especially after I know that people who know me read it? Wait a second, "I know that people who know me"... that seems poorly phrased. I think I do and besides it's not so much about having the right as it's about me feeling comfortable with other people I know reading this. But you know what, fuck it this thing was originally here for me to rant and just type things out when I couldn't sleep at night. It mainly started after my grandfather died and I had trouble sleeping for a couple of weeks. Have you ever tried to sleep, laid in bed for hours and it just feels like your mind is running a mile a minute jumping trains of thought like one would change a channel. I never thought my grandfathers death would shake me up so much. Let me respond to that, I don't mean to sound cold or impersonal it was just as I got older I saw less and less of him to the point that I didn't really feel like we had much more of a relationship than neighbors might. His death was like someone threw a cold bucket of water on my face and I realized that I would no longer see him. It's one thing to know someone is dying it's another for them to die and I realized you never are prepared for that. Death frightens me, sure if you are Christian you believe you will go to Heaven, Buddhists believe in reincarnation, and off the top of my head I don't remember what the rest of the world thinks. I remember lying in my bed as a child unable to sleep because I kept having visions of my own funeral. How fucked up is that to be in fourth grade and unable to sleep because you keep thinking of yourself dead. What does this have to do with anything.... I don't really know, this is just me thinking. I started listening to samples of "Imogen Heaps" latest album off of Itunes and it made me feel introspective. As far as the album goes it's almost too pop-ish and cute but I like it in a guilty pleasure sort of way.

What really got me thinking about stuff was the other night when a friend of mine was talking about how he wants to start his own company due to feelings of being limited professionally. Where I am now I feel completely hemmed in and it's a little bit of (A) and a little bit of (B). The (A) is all about me and the (B) is mostly about Sprockets. The (A) is that I just sort of gave up, I should have continued to try, to take more responsibilities, learn more things, not leave my pager by the front door where it wouldn't wake me up at night. Instead I decided to do nothing and atrophy like a bicept. I keep doing work but I don't attempt to think up new things, rethink old problems or speak up and take the initiative to tackle a project anything that would improve me professionally. So my lack of growth professionally is because I gave up and choose to take the easy route. The (B) is that there really isn't anywhere to move up to in Sprockets, where I am is where I am and no amount less than Herculean effort on my part will give me a promotion and even if Zeus himself came down from the heavens and told me I was one of his bastard sons I doubt that would make a difference. Even if I could get a promotion would I really want one? In truth I don't think I do however at least by working towards one I'd feel like I was working towards something instead of just trying to paddle a raft with a broom handle... up stream... with lots of hyper active 18lb bunnies in it. Guess I need to work on that resume, maybe apply for some jobs, see what's out there before I get anymore grumpy. Who knows I might apply for other jobs, interview and find that where I am is actually not that bad. At least then I know this and then can settle down and try to figure out what I need to do to become more.......

Here's a little something something for those thinking that owning a house is what you want to do, you know get away from having neighbors get a little peace and quiet. My neighbor was working on his car trying to get something to work until 1am in the morning. This doesn't bother me too much, I mean look at the post date yo, I'm still awake. For those of you out in the burbs you may be thinking big deal right? It wouldn't be a big deal if our houses weren't 15 feet apart separated by a shared driveway and your bedroom window is facing said neighbor. Then we throw into the mix that he keeps revving the engine which is irritating two fold. It first makes lots of noise and second it spews enough exhaust fumes to choke a horse. Disconcerting no when one walks into their bedroom and it smells like a five o' clock gridlock. I'm not saying I don't understand what is going on, he probably started much earlier in the night and things just kept getting worse and worse and he wanted to get it working. I know this feeling, that's why I never start working on a computer after 9pm because that's practically asking for trouble. You are basically signing, sealing and delivering a letter to your computer saying "Please show who's the bitch."