I'm going through one of my phases, it's not you it's me.

If it were possible for me to scowl myself into a better mood I might have actually done it. I thought this was just passing and then it never passed. I'm on an all time record long bitchy marathon, I mean the President of IKEA could apparate right into my office and give me the money to start my own franchise here in the land of eternal grey and I think I would just say "Eat a dick, I'm not in the mood." I was reading the ever so brief online brochure on IKEA's website that talked about franchising and after reading the Swedish prefab furniture credo I am not sure if I could ever back that kind of thing. They are all about "belief in the IKEA vision", "well designed furniture for one nation indivisible", "quality this, pretty that" and all I'm about is "Where's my benjamins bitches cause poppa needs a vintage 1957 356a Porsche Speedster".

I've always had a penchant for the grumpy, I can remember growing up my father used to tell me that "No one likes to be around a negative person" I think I might have been ten or so at the time. Enough of this grumpy, I'm done with grumpy for today, I think I will shoot for petulant. I went and saw "V for Vendetta", I liked it but that's not what we are going to talk about. What we are here to talk about is the steaming pile of shit that I saw a preview for. I would like to call this movie "Big Fucking Wave" (aka: Poseidon) because a big fucking wave hundreds of feet tall capsizes a giant cruise ship. After that it's a rip roaring good adrenaline ride as our passengers try to get out of this ship. I know you are thinking that this is brilliant, how could they have come up with such an original idea. And here's the kicker, it's a remake. Who approves this stuff:

Movie Exec 1: We need a summer thriller, something with waves, water, a perfect storm, something that I can really throw a ton of money on, but what could we do?

Movie Exec 2: Wait that sounds familiar.... I know I've heard of something like that... "The Perfect Sto" no that's been done already. AH! I got it "The Poseidon Adventure", we don't even have to write anything we will just call it "Poseidon" to avoid the curse that all movies with "The" in front of them will bomb.

Movie Exec 1: Fabulous, I was worried that we wouldn't find an idea to spend 90 million dollars on.

So yes the original movie "The Poseidon Adventure" had a cast of 15 academy award winners, 15!. What were these people thinking? What was it about this movie that 15 academy award winners think "A big fucking wave capsizes this boat and then we have to get out, this will be my greatest moment in cinema." I'm thinking it was the movie's tagline "Hell, Upside Down" because you know EVERYONE is all about the hell upside down. So lets sum this all up "Big Fucking Wave II" is a remake of "Big Fucking Wave" which also spawned "Return to Big Fucking Wave", "Big Fucking Wave the TV Movie", "Big Fucking Wave and the Toxic Avenger go to Washington" and lastly "Big Fucking Wave and Gamera do the electric boogaloo." Hollywood wonders why they keep making less and less money every year and blame the EVIL bootleggers instead of the fact that they keep spending an amount equal to the GDP of a small country on a remake of an already mediocre movie.