I want to paint animal faces on our kids and watch them run around ROARing and MEOWing.

I mean come on who actually says that to someone else, does someone actually read a statement like this and go "WOW this guy sounds really wonderful, I want to meet him so that we can paint animal faces on our kids and watch them growl and meow at each other." That statement is so ridiculous that I am having a hard time believing that someone would actually write it in an attempt to hook up. Go back to stalking psycho. Lets back up here, at last one of my favorite web-blog-journalist Amy Blair is writing again at her new home "Animal New York" and it couldn't have come at a better time. Funny story about making meowing and growling noises. When I was a sophomore on college I think I might have been the top of my irritating asshole game. This was the year of the 3 hour "There is nothing in Parkersburg" argument, the setting my roommates clock ahead one minute every day, and the shooting my roommate from a third floor window in the ass with a beebee gun while smoking period (among other things). My roommate and I along with a few other people thought it was funny to go to this stairway that was right next to our dorm room and stick our hands through the bars of the window and make animal noises as if we were tigers stuck in cages at the circus at people who walked by. I am trying, trying so very hard to understand why I thought this was funny I blame.... actually I can't blame anything this was all my doing. Relevance? None.

Last night our new light fixture arrived to replace the current wretched light fixture that is currently in our entryway. Along with this light was a antiqued bronze face plate that we got for the outlet that is most visible in our living room that we wanted to replace to match all the other light switch face plate covers thingys. To replace a faceplate one usually needs nothing more than a screw driver and about 60 seconds but this is my house. I went downstairs got a screw driver and came back upstairs and attempted to take off the face plate and put the new one on. You notice I said "attempted" because that's as far as I got. I started unscrewing, and then I unscrewed some more, and a little bit more. Then the cursing started. It started out quiet and built to opera like volume at which SG stomped over making her irritated face and snatched the screw driver out of my hands. A power drill, pliers and ten minutes later it was decided that the screw was somehow stuck in the outlet. I then sat on the floor and glared at the socket in the hopes that it would feel the concentrated waves of hatred and just fall out. No such luck. It has challenged me, challenged my manly handiness and I have come up short. I think my only solution is to shut off the power and rip the electrical socket out with my teeth followed by a good shaking to guarantee that I break it's neck.

"I want to tell you to take a big deep breath after you have your sixth orgasm of the night."

Yeah. I've got nothing more to say.